today i’m talking about something personal.
i used to worry that i’d never make it as a musician. i worried that i just wasn’t cut from the right cloth.
i grew up in small-town, middle-of-nowhere michigan. (sorry, chelsea peeps.) i listened to progressive rock, played drums in metal bands, and i couldn’t figure out why everyone thought mozart was so great. with that background, why would anyone ever hire me to play in an orchestra?
when i’d show up to youth orchestra rehearsal or play in masterclasses, i’d think to myself, “i certainly don’t deserve to be here, but i’ll pretend like i belong and hope no one notices."
that nagging feeling of self-doubt? throughout the years, i’ve changed. but it remains.
it looks different nowadays. sometimes i’ll feel good about my playing. but sometimes i'll walk into the opera pit and question whether i really deserve to be there.
i’ll look around the orchestra at my amazing, virtuosic colleagues and think <with an extremely fred savage from the wonder years voice>, “i wonder how i ended up here. oh well, i guess i’ll pretend to be a professional musician and play the triangle again today. i hope no one notices i’m just a random guy playing triangle in the back of the room.”
it’s called imposter syndrome.
i can’t speak for all professional musicians, but i’m pretty sure it’s just as common with us as it is with up-and-coming players like yourself.
just because you experience imposter syndrome doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. problems are figureoutable. anything you’re lacking as a musician is something that can be analyzed, addressed, and eventually solved.
when you experience that feeling of “pretending,” you should think of it as an indication that it’s time to take a good, hard look at your perceived weakness and do something about it.
want to nail your next audition?
here’s the five part audition preparation method that i used to win a job at the MET orchestra.
the best part? it works for every instrument.
